I don’t get it

I need to think about who i’m talking to. I need to remember that some people use you to their advantage. I have the worlds bestest friend and i don’t want to lose her.

Yesterday i had the best day of my life, it was amazing and i loved every second of it. My brother’s happy, Mum’s happy, Dad’s happy and so i need to try harder to be happy too. There maybe a lot of arguing and shouting going around downstairs but i need to think more about my family. I’m don’t want to let them down anymore.

My phone needs to be turned off every so often, i need to start thinking about myself a bit. Even though everyone seems to think i’m being selfish already. I’m always trying to be who everyone wants me to be. I always try my best but it doesn’t always work.

Life’s not good in a lot of ways at the moment really.

Life’s like a walk in the park…

Sometimes cold and wet and muddy, and other times, fun sunny warm and just bloody fantastic!

I’ve decided that maybe seeing friends you haven’t seen in about 3 weeks is actually one of the best things ever. I never realised how much i miss some people untill today. I realised that maybe my life isn’t as bad as i thought, maybe i should just forget about myself for a bit and push myself to one side, a smile would never hurt every once in a while. I really miss some of my friends and i think i should think more about my friends before i end up not having them anymore because i push them all away. There are some people out there who are more important than a few problems in my head.

Today, someone made me realise that life’s worth so much more than crying and being upset. She made me see that maybe i should realise what i have got rather than what i haven’t. I’ve decided i’ve not yet got the figure i want, haven’t got the bikini i’d like for my holiday that is actually next week, but there are more important things in this world than this.

I don’t know what to do atm, i’m a mess. I’m just pushing it to one side and then everything’ll be fine.

I’m thinking back on the past.

“You used to call me your angel, said I was sent straight down from heaven, you’d hold me close in your arms, i love the way you felt so strong. I never wanted you to leave, I wish we could’ve stayed as we were. I miss you, I miss your smile. And I still shed a tear, every once in a while. Even though it’s different now, you’re still here somehow (8)”

It’s been a year now and last night i watched a film “my best friend’s wedding”.. it’s my life in a film. I’ve never thought i could see my life through a film but that one had almost all the right names in it too. I hate the 12th August. It reminds me of what i had and what i lost. I now have to talk about you in the past tense, i’ve found your birthday cards and the pictures of us. You were my otherhalf this time last year. What happened i’ll never know.

Why can’t i push past this and get through the tunnel to the otherside. Ohh where’s the lad who makes me smile? I need him right now tbh.

Please.

Why..

Why do the smallest of things upset me, why does everything always feel like a battle? Why is trying to be me so difficult? I don’t want to hurt people, i don’t want to push people away. Why do i do things without thinking?

Life’s getting the better of me and it’s not all working out the way i thought it would really. I know that i have someone i can talk to and thank you Tom for being there for me to talk to, you’re great and i couldn’t ask for a better friend.

I do things to myself and then think why did i do that? I have no idea what’s up with me at the moment and i just wish it’d all go away so i could start over. My Family are so important to me and i hate not being in a nice mood for them, i don’t want to make living with me impossible. I’m sorry Tom for not being more supportive.

On the otherhand, there are people who make me feel better, some who just make me smile without even trying and i love having friends who can do that. I can never thank them enough because i wouldn’t be pulling through this at the moment without them.

Today.. Mum’s gone to hospital. Jo’s coming. Tom’s spending another night away. Daddy’s at work. It’s all go, and i’m sat here doing pretty much nothing apart from crying and if i’m honest, my eyes hurt. I keep glancing up and a note on my wall “Katie Charlotte loves you” that just shows me what i had and what i lost in such a short space of time.

Life’s changing. I wish it wouldn’t.

Hmm

Why is life against me? Why is there someone out there who doesn’t want me to win? I don’t understand life anymore. I give my everything and it all comes back straight into my face. I give and give everything i’ve got to people and now i’ve got nothing left to give.

I know where i’ll be safe and i just want to go there. I wish i could see beyond tomorrow but at the moment it doesn’t seem possible.

I have the worlds best friend, she’s everything i need and want. But at the moment it’s seeming really difficult to be best friends with someone. I’ve given her everything but someone out there doesn’t want us to be best friends but i won’t let go and i’ll keep giving and giving untill she’s had everything i’ve got. I don’t understand why i keep pushing her away.

Life knows how to get me down and it’s winning.  All i try to do at the moment is sleep, but my body won’t let me. Everything hurts. I don’t want to hurt anymore.